Once upon a time, there were Three Billy Goats Gruff, and their names were Robbie, Rapey, and Stabby. The Three Billy Goats lived in the land of Detroit, which was very poor and they often did not have enough to eat, or good health care. But just across the river was the Land of Canada, which had low-cost pharmaceuticals and Free Health Care for All. So the oldest Billy Goat Gruff said to his siblings, "Let us go over the river to Canada, where we can frolic in the meadow and enjoy Free Health Care!" And the other Billy Goats said, "Yeah, let's go to Canada!"
So the littlest Billy Goat set out for Canada across the Bridge. Trip trap, trip trap. And the mean old ugly Troll who owned the Bridge yelled out "WHO'S THAT TRIP TRAPPIN ACROSS MY BRIDGE!"
"It is I, the littlest Billy Goat Gruff!"
"What's your name, Billy Goat Gruff?"
"My name is Robbie" said the littlest Billy Goat Gruff.
"Well if your name is Robbie," said the Troll, "I am going to rob you!"
"What's your name?" cried Robbie, the frightened little Billy Goat Gruff.
"My name is Matty," said the Troll.
"Well, then I will Matt you!"
"Oh ho," said the Troll and he showed Robbie the collection of mats in his Troll Cave, everything from $12.99 bath mats from Bed, Bath & Beyond to antique Persian prayer mats worth many thousands of dollars. "There is nothing you can mat me with that I don't already have!"
"Well then," said the littlest Billy Goat Gruff, "I have nothing for you to rob, Mr. Troll, Matty, sir! Why don't you wait for my sister, Rapey, and you can rob and rape her!"
"What kind of a sick perv are you," said the Troll, "you would give up your own sister for me to rob and rape?"
"But that's in the original story! The littlest Billy Goat Gruff tells the Troll to wait for the next Billy Goat!"
"Well OK then," said the Troll. "Now get out of here before I change my mind!" And Robbie, the littlest Billy Goat Gruff, scampered across the Bridge to Canada, where there was Free Health Care for All.
The Troll kind of liked the idea of robbing and raping the next Billy Goat, so he went into his Troll Cave and prepared a nice cocktail with some roofies. Then he looked around and decided that his Troll Cave was not romantic enough (Trolls need a very run-down and decrepit environment) and he looked for another Troll Cave that was even more ruined and destroyed. He looked at the old Clark St. Assembly Plant and the David Whitney Building, but what finally caught his eye was the Michigan Central Depot. "Aha!" cried the Troll. "This is the most devastated ruin in all of Detroit!" and he promptly bought the Michigan Central Depot as a Troll Hideout in which to do all his evil deeds.
Soon enough, Middle Billy Goat Gruff (actually a Nanny Goat for you nit pickers) came tripping over the Bridge. Trip trap, trip trap. "WHO'S THAT TRIP TRAPPIN OVER MY BRIDGE!" yelled the Troll.
"It is I, the Middle Billy Goat Gruff!"
"Are you the one they call Rapey?" inquired the Troll with a mean gleam in his eye. "Why don't we step into my Troll Cave and enjoy a cocktail together?"
"Oh no you don't!" cried Rapey, brandishing a can of Pepper Spray at the Troll. "Just you wait until my brother, the Biggest Billy Goat Gruff, shows up here. He will kick your ass!"
"My ass is very well protected," sneered the Troll. "I have a swarm of orc lawyers who will guarantee that I can rob and rape you and totally get away with it! Now drink this roofie cocktail!"
Rapey squirted the Pepper Spray directly into the Troll's eyes and scampered over the Bridge to Canada, where there is Free Health Care for All.
The Troll screamed in rage and anger and then called in his swarm of orc lawyers on how he could sue Rapey and get the rape and robbery that he deserved. But the orcs informed him that since Rapey had fled to Canada, there was no way he could make her come back across the border.
The Troll vowed revenge and in the meantime he built a huge Duty Free Plaza underneath his Bridge. He built a huge fuel reservoir which he filled with Duty Free diesel fuel and gasoline, and a Duty Free Store which he filled with the finest Duty Free liquor, cigarettes, fragrances and cosmetics, but which he sold for pennies less than the retail price and kept the difference for himself. He blocked off all the access roads so that no one could pass over the Bridge without visiting the Duty Free Store (which prices were not any different than any other retail store, and higher than online).
The Troll took out his rage on the humble citizens of "Mexican Town" a little village in the shadow of the Troll's Bridge. Because the Troll had blocked all the highway access ramps, large container trucks rumbled through the narrow streets of the quiet village, creating monstrous traffic jams. The villagers banded together, formed a group called "Occupy The Troll's Bridge" and marching with torches and pitchforks, presented the Troll with court orders to remove the barricades and complete the highway access ramps. The Troll used the court orders to wipe his horny, gamy troll buttocks and jeered at the villagers: "Make me!"
The villagers met up with the oldest and the biggest Billy Goat Gruff, Stabby, and voted him the leader of their group. Followed by a phalanx of process servers and officers of the court, The Biggest Billy Goat Gruff set off across the Bridge. Trip, trap, trip, trap!
"WHO'S THAT TRIP TRAPPIN ACROSS MY BRIDGE!" yelled the Troll.
"It is I, Stabby, the Oldest and Biggest Billy Goat Gruff, with the villagers of Occupy The Bridge and a swarm of process servers and police officers and WE ARE ALL HERE TO KICK YOUR ASS!" shouted the Billy Goat Gruff.
The Troll and his swarm of lawyer trolls put up a fight, but the Biggest Billy Goat Gruff, the villagers, police officers and Occupy the Bridge managed to overpower the Troll and cast him into a dark, dank dungeon where, they said, he would remain until the barricades were removed, the highway access ramps completed, and prices at the Duty Free Store brought down to reflect the Duty-Freeness.
"F*** YOU!" roared the Troll. "I like it in here! Anyway my swarm of orc lawyers will get me out tomorrow!"
The police officers then arrested Stabby the Billy Goat Gruff for carrying a concealed switchblade while attempting to cross an international border.